Ready, AIM, Fire!
When tourists visit this great city, which is perhaps the most aesthetically moving place in the world, they hear the chime of the cable car as they pass rows of Victorian homes that are painted in happy pastel colors. They photograph the coral outline of the Golden Gate Bridge through plumes of fog. Along the coast San Francisco is a romantic place only postcards can represent. It’s a sad day when the tourists travel a couple miles inland and witness bullet crossfire. And it’s an even sadder day when one of them gets taken out by a stray bullet.
Much of San Francisco’s economy relies on tourism. If tourists spend too much time dodging stray bullets my guess is they’ll stop visiting. Yesterday, a five-year-old was grazed by a bullet as he played at the Crocker playground. He wasn’t a tourist, but if he was I bet there would be a greater response of outrage from City Hall or even the local news media. No child should have to fear for his life on the playground.
Maybe you think he was involved in a gang, as hoodlums tend to join these violent groups at very young ages. This was not the case. The five-year-old had no gang affiliations, no tribal tattoos, and no politically partisan opinions. The kid just wanted to have a good time in the sandbox. It was not an assassination attempt. Two men across the street from the playground had simply gotten into an argument, apparently unresolvable through conversation, and they each pulled out their loaded guns from their pockets and fired away.
Obviously, the problem here isn’t the fact that they were carrying guns. Our sacred Second Amendment guarantees: the right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed. After all, this country was founded on revolutionary resistance and you can see how well these gun-toting soldiers have put this ideal to use over the last six years while civil liberties and privacy have been violated more severely than any other time in U.S. history. Plus, is there any other fashion accessory hotter than gun metal? I’ve heard gun metal is the new black. It’s very slimming to hang the pistol off the side of a suede brown belt, especially now that the Western look is in.
Since the five-year-old was not the intended target and since it’s perfectly fine–and even in style–to own guns I suggest the NRA take some of their tax break money or some of the funds they pay their cute little crewcut-sporting, toothpick-gnawing lobbyists and invest in teaching their loyal shooters how to aim.
The NRA could hold bootcamps out in the country, selling them as “vacation packages” or “timeshares.” A vacation isn’t a vacation without explosions, right? The whole family could participate together. The NRA could sell bumper stickers that state: The family that shoots together stays together. Students would be given matching berets and knee-high army boots (which are always in style). Upon graduation, each student would be presented with a diploma made from target practice paper and a brand new box of bullets–any caliber of their choice.
I certainly would feel a lot safer walking around the Mission if I knew that my neighbors learned how to aim their semi-automatics from the NRA bootcamp. Also, this plan could really put a damper on the pesky liberal saying that guns cause violence because the truth is people behind the guns who don’t know how to aim cause violence (it doesn’t count as violence if you hit your actual target).
Think of all the saved lives, and more importantly, all of the saved taxpayers’ money if we weren’t forced to pay for clean up crews to wash the misspent blood off the streets. If the NRA would teach their gun-accessorizing followers how to aim then the tourists could continue visiting this beautiful city and children could play in peace.